Codependency is a kind of addiction. When you care for a loved one who is suffering from their own addiction to drugs or alcohol, you become a relationship addict. You want so much to help the person through the addiction, but without realizing it, you are hindering their recovery.

You become an enabler. You enable the person to continue their addiction whether it is by fixing all the problems they get themselves into or ignoring the problem. At the same time the codependent person trying to help the chemically dependent person is almost in the same boat. As much as the codependent person is trying to understand what drives the chemically dependent person, the people in the codependents life is trying to figure out what is driving them. 

What you need to understand is that it is not up to you to change another. It is not up to you to decide what is best for another or to decide how they should live. You become obsessed with how they live, what they do and with the choices they make. But you must realize that nothing you do will change another person. No amount of pleading, begging or threatening will work. 

You cannot manage relationship problems by yourself. You can only work on or change yourself. Any strategies you come up with to control another do not work and will only come back to haunt you. You need to accept your reality and surrender what may be or may become an obsession. It is hard when you see someone spiraling out of control. It is usually then that the control issues make their presence known. 

You need to refocus your energy to what is within your power to change. The energy you have will be more effective if you use it to fulfill your own needs. You must address your own codependency, your self-esteem and any character flaws that surface. Emotionally, you may feel like you are in a dark dungeon. If your life and what you achieve in this life depends on the approval of someone else, you will never be happy or find true joy. 

You might try to help the chemically dependent person and struggle with the need to help, but there is also anger within you. You try to understand what drives the chemically dependent person. You try to understand how they can't just grasp the concept that if they stop (or at least slow down) their troubles will either cease, stop or slow down also. You might not understand how the chemical can have such power over them while you are grappling to win the control.  

You cannot heal your own soul wounds if you ignore them. If you look deep down within yourself, you may see you want to be rescued from your loneliness and the secrets you keep only within you. You silently are trying to make-up for what may be missing in your own life. Maybe you think if you could only gain control over the situation and their addiction your world would be right. You think if only you could help them, you could gain control over their world and yours would get better, too. 

I've been there. I thought I was alone in my feelings. Maybe you're feeling that too. Maybe you're looking for any glimmer of hope you can find, so you can grasp hold and be pulled up. But, it's not something you have to go through alone. I want to be that light that guides you back to the place where you can breathe again. I want to help you walk through the darkness you may be surrounded by. My wish for you is acceptance, inner peace and freedom.