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Hi. My name is Lori Klauser. You might be wondering, why do I think I’m an expert on codependency? Because I lived with it for years.
 Many years ago someone I knew sent me packets of information on codependency. She sent them through the mail instead of giving them to me in person. Honestly, I was quite offended. I don’t even think I knew back then what codependency meant and I’m sure I didn’t take the time to read even a sentence of the information in the packet.
Fast-forward almost fifteen years since then and I met and fell in love with a truly generous man. The only problem was his drinking and drug use. Like all good-hearted codependents, I chose to ignore it. He won’t do that forever (I think I heard that from him)! To be fair (to me) I didn’t learn of his ‘habits’ right away. By the time I did, I had fallen for him. And I didn’t realize that when he said ‘I smoke pot’ he meant ‘I smoke pot just about EVERY DAY’.
Well, I spent almost nine years with this chemically dependent person. I spent most of my time ‘trying to fix him’. When he started drinking and doing drugs even more, I just couldn’t stand having to deal with the nights he came home drunk time and time again. I spent night after night not being able to sleep praying to God that he was safe. I was full of such anger and rage because of all I had endured (and kept inside), which I promptly turned into being the victim (we’re good at that, too).
So, knowing that there were many many people out there just like me, I thought maybe I could help. It was an awful thing to have to go through, miles from home, feeling all alone. I had great girlfriends, one in particular, which really helped me along the way. This special person had been on the other end of codependency at one point in her life. She was the one with the chemical dependency. She drank a lot, did a lot worse drugs than smoking pot and one day came to the conclusion that if she didn’t straighten out her life she was going to die.
It made me realize there is always a reason people are brought together. That’s when I started thinking me and this person (we’ll call him Bradley) were brought together; so I could help him ‘get better’. I knew what was right for him and, dang it, if he would just listen to me, not only his life, but our life together would be a million times better. That’s not how it works, though. If I had started working on myself instead of him, we might still be together today. Instead I left. It’s been four years now.
It was hard at first. There was a lot that happened those first years; for the first year we talked to each other almost every week. It was like I was on a long vacation. Then he came to visit seven months after I left and again the next month after that. It was comfortable. We had talked about forever together many times. There were times I wondered why I left. When you're not in the situation, you forget what made it "bad" and hard to deal with. After all, it was a scary world out there and neither of us wanted to let go. So, I spent many months, which turned into years, trying to bring us back together. I believed with all my heart we were meant to be together. I fell for his sweet talk. I believed what he wrote to me in his letters. I think he meant what he said; I just think he was scared and confused when he thought of us getting back together. What if it was the same way? I was scared, too, but I had so much faith in both of us individually as well as a couple that I believed it would work.
We hung on for a while, between him calling saying he regretted his decision to let me leave, me calling once pretty much begging him to let me come home and all the letters and cards that were sent, it took awhile for us to get used to the idea of being without the other. Sometimes it's hard to let go because it's comfortable, familar and you feel secure. It gradually happened, though.
I slowly realized that it is not up to us to change another. I couldn’t decide what is best for Bradley or how he should live. It is his path in this life, and he has to decide where that path leads.
I’m happy that I found recovery and I’m starting my life over again. It was hard to let go of the thought we were supposed to be together forever, but I know there is something wonderful waiting for me just around the corner. You have to be willing to let go of what once was in order to receive what is waiting for you. And with some patience (which is a lesson in itself for me) I will get to the good things that lay
ahead.
It did take a lot for me to get to this point, though. And it was hard getting here on my own. But, I had to come to the realization on my own. Along with some gentle prodding by my friends, having them always be there for me and the knowledge that slowly arose within me, I came to the realization that I had to help myself first. That's not selfish that's being smart. I knew that once I took care of myself then if the relationship was going to hold up, it would. Even though it didn't, I'm in a place now where I am happy to be. What it all comes down to is true happiness comes from within. No other person can give you true happiness. They can make your life more pleasant and enjoyable, but having true joy and peace comes from within.
I want you to be able to get to the same point. It may not be right for you to leave whatever codependent relationship you’re in right now (it took a lot for me to come to that conclusion), so don't beat yourself up if you slip back - that's normal.
Either way I want to be a shoulder you can lean on. I want to be that light that guides you through your walk. Remember, true happiness lies within us; we just have to be listening hard enough to be able to hear it and let it lead us to where we can find it. |
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About Me 
Lise Galipeau
